Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
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PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
time for some seasonal decor
Something Saturday.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes