Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
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The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.