You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
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I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
They must have gotten it to go.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.