Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
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The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
All generalizations are stupid.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed