My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
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if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
😂😂
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.