Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
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I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Inside you there are two wolves
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Growing out my freckles.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.