If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
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aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Me trying to look natural in photos
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.