CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
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I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”