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Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.