*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
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Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you