Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
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*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.