Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
You Might Also Like
Me trying to look natural in photos
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming