Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
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Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
🐕🍷
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow