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In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
It’s a gift
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome