“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
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Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy