The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
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A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.