My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
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if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die