Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
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Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage