Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
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What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.