Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
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HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.