HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
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[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
My love language is hissing.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011