*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
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COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.