I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
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This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Snapes on a plane.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Whoa… oh I see lol
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
True.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance