Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
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Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
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Me: Same
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
felt that
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
How do you milk an almond?
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*