cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
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Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Just this preview of the story is enough
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
School be like
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??