So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
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People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Brands during Pride
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup