She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
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Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
#titanic