gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
You Might Also Like
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?