My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
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*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.