Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
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Breaking news:
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.