I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
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my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please