So can we start calling them Traylor now?
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“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Risking my life for fun.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules