Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
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Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”