At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
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Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
describing stardew valley
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced