I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
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No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh