Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
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Does beer think about me too?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
*skinny dips into black hole
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2