A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
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[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
peak technology