[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
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I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”