computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
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Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
“A little help here, Danny?”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
What the hell happened here.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.