The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
You Might Also Like
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT