Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
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Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
channeling her this year
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no