Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
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my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian