You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
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Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
adam and eve had first world problems
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before