There is wisdom there.
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That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Who wants to be my Valentine?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.