Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
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Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Woke up against my better judgment again
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I created you as mosquito food.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”