I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
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Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids