I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?馃槀
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*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we鈥檙e bringing our own geese?
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Handmaid鈥檚 TALE not Handmaid鈥檚 Handbook
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus