Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
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Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*