Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
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If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Jurassic park gets weird
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*