“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
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COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
when dads have a rap battle
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
me when i see my girls butt
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop